It turns out that millennia of women washed less often than we do in part because they didn’t have to wash so often. In fact, the more often we wash our hair, the more often we have to. It’s like an addiction. And, once I found out I was addicted, I wanted to sober up.

That’s why I’ve gone “no poo.”

What Is No Poo?

“No Poo” is the tongue-in-cheek name for giving up commercial shampoo. The most serious “no-pooers” use only water to wash their hair. Most of us use alternatives like diluted baking soda, tea, or even raw egg.

Why Go “No Poo”?

Sure, I get a sense of pride out living a little bit more like Louisa May Alcott. But there are a lot of other benefits to giving up shampoo.

• Protect your hair. My stubbornly wavy hair used to look kinky and frizzy. Now it looks full-bodied and fabulous.
• Protect your health. There isn’t really a clear consensus whether the chemicals in shampoo—like parabens and sulfates—are dangerous or not. But the ingredients in “no poo” hair washes are definitely safe.
• Protect the environment. If you go “no poo,” you’ll never need to purchase a plastic shampoo bottle ever again.
• Protect your budget. There are shampoos out there that cost about the same amount per ounce as baking soda, but most mid-line shampoos cost at least twice as much per ounce.

How to Go No Poo

1. Gather your supplies. My “no-poo” kit includes a box of baking soda, a bottle of apple cider vinegar, a jar with a screw-top lid, a measuring spoon, an empty shampoo bottle and big, plastic cup. (Look for screw-top jars in your recycling bin.)
2. Make the time. Washing my hair without shampoo takes about twice as long as it does to wash it with shampoo. The upside? I only have to wash it half as often! Besides, it’s a lot more relaxing to do something slowly once or twice a week than to rush through it every other day. A bath with a hair wash now takes me about twenty minutes from turning on the faucet to draining the tub.
3. Mix it up. There are dozens of different ways to work “no-poo” into your morning routine. I add 2 TBSP. of baking soda to the bottom of a 16-oz. plastic cup. (1 TBSP. of baking soda for 8 oz. of water! I’ve heard that a higher baking-soda-to-water ratio can really dry out your hair.) I add water from the faucet to mix it up. Then I empty about half the contents of the cup into an empty shampoo bottle. Be sure to keep the mixture out of your eyes—baking soda contains a lot less salt than ocean water, but it’s enough to sting if you aren’t being careful.
4. Scrub, scrub, scrub! You know how great your scalp feels after a hairdresser scrubs it clean? That’s thoroughness. You’ll have that feeling every time you wash your hair if you no-poo thoroughly. I start with the oiliest part of my head, the very top. Squirt a little of the baking soda mixture onto your scalp and scrub it in with your finger tips. Keep scrubbing until your fingers glide easily across your scalp and through your hair. (If your hair feels waxy or tangled, add a little more of the mixture. It usually takes me a shampoo-bottle and a half to completely scrub my head.) Move outward from the top of your head in small circles. Don’t forget behind your ears and at the nape of your neck.
5. Rinse. After you’ve scrubbed your scalp, stop. With “no poo,” you should rarely or never wash the shaft of your hair. Give your hair a good rinse with clean water to remove the baking soda and oil.
6. Condition. Although there are hundreds of DIY, “no poo” conditioner recipes on-line, I stick to the basics. (I once did an avocado-honey deep conditioning treatment. It worked great, but I smelled like guacamole until I washed my hair again.) I add a 3-4 TBSP. of apple cider vinegar to a 16 oz. cup full of clean water. I soak the ends of my hair in the mixture for a few minutes. Supposedly the soak is enough. I need a little extra moisture, so I dump the leftover mixture over the rest of my hair. If your hair does dry out every once and a while, then it’s time to try something a little more exciting.
7. Rinse again. Rinse your hair with cool, clean water to close the cuticle and make your hair really shine. Believe it or not, this rinse also gets rid of any lingering vinegar smell in your hair. I asked my husband, who hates the smell of vinegar, what my hair smelled like—“Hair.”
8. Style as normal—or not! One of the great things about “no poo” is that it is the best way to wash your hair when you won’t be styling it. Try throwing your hair back into a bun for wavy, full-bodied hair once it dries.

What Not to Expect

• “Silky-Smooth” Wet Hair. When it’s wet, hair is naturally coarse. My hair feels softer now dry than it used to, but I do sometimes miss that “liquid silk” feeling shampoo can give wet hair.
• Overnight success. “No poo” is supposed to have a rough “transition period.” Hypothetically, your hair will look oily until the natural oils in your hair are distributed to the ends of your hair. My hair actually looked great the first time I went “no poo.” At least for me, the “transition period” was more of a learning period—the more thoroughly you wash the oil from your hair, the more quickly it will look at feel great.
• To ever go back. I love my shampoo-free lifestyle. My scalp is as clean as it has ever been. I hardly ever have to deal with the hassle of drying my hair. Who needs shampoo?

When I wrote the original post, Mint was the best personal finance software I could find. I budgeted every month. Mint automatically imported my purchases.

With Mint, I always knew where my money was going. But it wasn’t always going where I wanted it to. Mint left me with a lot of difficult questions.

I knew that budgeting was important. I thought—and still believe—that it’s a woman’s job. But it turns out that having a budget, even one I generally stuck to, isn’t all I needed to give my family’s finances under control. A budget is only as good as the philosophy behind it. That’s why we started using YNAB.

What Is YNAB

YNAB (which stands for You Need a Budget) is a piece of cloud-based personal budgeting software. But it’s also a new way of thinking about money—and about life.

YNAB encourages users to live by four simple rules:

1. Give every dollar a job. Sure, other budgeting methods require you to assign money to broad categories. But I always struggled to treat the budget as a rule—rather than a suggestion. Because YNAB makes me add every transaction by hand, I always know exactly how much money I’m spending on what. With the YNAB app, I can even check whether I have money to buy that cute pair of shoes while I’m out shopping.
2. Save for a rainy day. Adam and I have always had a savings account. Every month, we put in as much as we could. When we go over budget, we took money out. With YNAB, I set money aside in each category every month. Our $150 credit card fee becomes twelve budget-friendly payments of $12.50. That money stays in our account until I need to pay the fee each spring.
3. Roll with the punches. After a minor vacation fiasco, I once told my eighteen-year-old cousin that a big part of being a grown-up was dealing with unexpected expenses. I still mean it. YNAB makes it easier to deal with budget overages—in fact, the creator says he has never had a month when he doesn’t go over budget in at least one category. But instead of eating into savings, like the money I’ve set aside for that $150 credit card payment, YNAB takes the overage out of next month’s income. Sure I have less money to spend next month, but I don’t have to destroy my savings because I spent a little too much on groceries.
4. Live on last month’s income. Crazy, I know. Adam and I haven’t managed it yet. But the YNAB ideal is to budget my May paycheck to spend in June. That way, I never spend a dime I don’t already have in the bank. If we can get a month ahead, Adam and I will never have to live paycheck-to-paycheck again.

Ready to give YNAB a try?

How to Set a Budget with YNAB

This is just a broad overview. YNAB is very user-friendly and will walk you through the initial start-up.

1. Create a YNAB account. YNAB has a full-featured, free 34-day trial—you don’t have to pay a dime for the software unless you like it as much as I do. After you create an account, you’ll need to download the software onto your PC/Mac. If you have a smart phone, I strongly recommend you download the YNAB app as well. The software will walk you through creating a free Drop Box account. That way, anything you add on your PC/Mac gets updated on your smart phone and vise versa.
2. Add your account information. Include your bank accounts, savings account, retirement funds, and credit card accounts. I recommend starting in the middle of the month when most credit card and bank statements come out. It’s much easier to get started on YNAB from account balances you know are correct.
3. Add your income. Whenever you get a paycheck, add it to YNAB. The money automatically goes into budget. Immediately mark down what you’ll spend that money on. Ideally, you’ll someday be able to follow the “Live on last month’s income rule” and mark your May paycheck as income for June. But you probably won’t be able to do that right away.
4. Update the pre-existing categories in YNAB to include the things your family spends money on. Our old Mint budget included one category for “Health and Fitness” that included everything from co-pays to gym memberships and shampoo. Be as specific as possible to make sure your money is getting where you want it to go. Don’t forget to include quarterly and annual expenses like the water bill or credit card fees.
5. Discuss your priorities with your partner. Where are your priorities? If you have a chance to splurge, where should it be? How much do you want to save and how quickly? How much, if any, of your income do you want to share? If you have credit card debt, how quickly do you want to pay it off.
6. Budget every dollar. Start with the expenses you have to pay. After that, add your savings and charity goals. Then budget for necessities like food and, with any leftover money, luxuries like a nice pair of shoes or dinner out at a fancy restaurant.
7. Whenever you spend money, note it down in YNAB. The easiest way to keep track of your money is to add it to your YNAB app as soon as you spend it. But you don’t have to have a smart phone—just save your receipts and enter them every few days. You’ll reconcile your YNAB budget and your credit card statements once a month.
8. Do a monthly reevaluation of your priorities and goals. Adam and I have learned that where we spend our money says a lot about what we value. Reevaluating monthly is a great chance to talk about where you’re headed as a family and really helps keep spending in check.

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What about Credit Card Debt?

I only have one complaint about YNAB. The accounting for around credit card debt can be confusing. (I accidently sent the credit card money I had also budgeted for other expenses. Yikes!) Before you pay off credit card debt with YNAB, I strongly suggest you watch their free, on-line classes about credit cards. I’ll try to post more about what I learn later.


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Sign Up for a Free Trial

YNAB has changed my life—and I think it can change yours, too. If you do sign up, please support Experimental Wifery by following our referral link ! As an added bonus, you’ll save $6 when you purchase YNAB through Experimental Wifery.


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Do you keep a budget? Do you have any budgeting secrets to share?

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]]> http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/05/20/how-to-budget-smarter/feed/ 0 afsolove Interior of a Dutch Shop Selling Gold and Silver by an Unknown Dutch Master http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/05/18/and-back-and-im-dropping-twelve-months-to-a-better-woman/ http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/05/18/and-back-and-im-dropping-twelve-months-to-a-better-woman/#comments Sat, 18 May 2013 15:34:40 +0000 afsolove http://experimentalwifery.com/?p=3889 ]]> Loyal readers may have noticed that I haven’t posted in a few weeks. You may also have noticed that my three posts a week have gradually dwindled over the past few months. I just wasn’t interested anymore.

I wasn’t interested because I’d lost sight of what this blog is supposed to be about.

When I started the project, I thought I could decide in advance what sorts of things would make me a better woman. That I could outline a course of twelve skills to learn or develop to improve myself.

But holding to a steady course isn’t what Experimental Wifery is about. This blog is about learning to be a better woman and wife—not one month at a time, but one day at a time.

Over the next couple of weeks, I’ll be revamping my content to be more like the posts some of you have come to know and love—a few more reflective posts, mixed in with relationship advice and old-fashioned how to’s.

I’m not finished being a better woman. I never will be. But, at least for now, I’m going back to being the Experimental Wife who takes life as it comes and learns lessons one at the time. I hope you’ll join me.


]]> http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/05/18/and-back-and-im-dropping-twelve-months-to-a-better-woman/feed/ 5 afsolove Elegant Lady Walking Her Greyhounds on the Beach by Edmond-Louis Dupain http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/29/why-manners-everyday-politeness-is-one-of-the-best-gifts-of-all/ http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/29/why-manners-everyday-politeness-is-one-of-the-best-gifts-of-all/#comments Fri, 29 Mar 2013 17:47:02 +0000 afsolove http://experimentalwifery.com/?p=3880 ]]>
During the Month of Self-Giving, I’ve put a lot of thought into the gifts that really matter–the acts of sacrifice that really change us.

For example, when I give make my husband an elaborate brunch (one of his favorite treats), I often expect some relaxation time in return. Even though I’ve worked hard and given him something he really enjoys, I haven’t really made myself more generous spirited. How do I go from doing something generous to being a generous person, who makes sacrifices for others without thinking about them and without feeling self-righteous or resentful?

I want to strengthen the virtue of generosity within myself.


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Virtues Are Habits

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For the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle—and almost two millennia of philosophers after him—virtue is an excellence of character. It means the capacity to do the right thing without force or the promise of a reward.

Being virtuous is, predictably, harder than it sounds.

Imagine I want to be a more generous person. I can resolve to be a generous person, but that resolution only takes me so far. It doesn’t help me, say, staring at my husband over the last bit of a hot fudge sundae. That’s when I must pit my resolve to be a generous person against my strong desire for one last bite of ice cream.

Without the virtue of generosity, I have to carefully weigh each choice. I might choose to share out of fear of punishment (“He’s just going to pout all night if I don’t give in”) or desire for a reward (“Maybe he’ll do the dishes if I share”). Or I might give in and take the ice cream, making me unable to do the right thing, even though I want to—incontinent. Because I am not generous, I choose to act for the wrong reasons, or choice a selfish action even though I want to do the right thing.

According to Aristotle, virtues don’t involve individual choices at all. Instead, virtues are habits. The virtue of generosity is a habit built from hundreds and thousands of little choices about whether or not to be generous. Every time I choose to do the right thing, I strengthen the habit. Over time, I do the generous thing automatically. I have the virtue of generosity.

So, on another night, over another sundae, I must choose whether to give Adam the last bite or to take it for myself. But, as I strengthen the virtue of generosity in myself, I can do the right thing for its own sake. In fact, I can do the right thing automatically, without any inner struggle at all.

By choosing to treat people well over and over again, we change—not only our habits—but ourselves as well.

So how do we apply these rules in our daily lives?


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Civility and Decent Behavior

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George Washington’s lifelong commitment to building virtuous habits in his own life makes him one of the greatest men in American history.

As a young man, Washington copied out a list of 110 Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior from a 1595 manual written by French Jesuits for young noblemen.

Many of the rules from the manual sound hopelessly out-of-date. (Consider rule thirteen: “Kill no vermin, or fleas, or lice, ticks, etc. in the sight of others; you see any filth or thick spittle put your foot dexterously upon it.”) But the first rule sums up the principle behind the other 109:  “Every action done in company ought to be with some sign of respect to those that are present.”

When he memorized and owned the 110 rules, Washington gave himself a framework for building virtuous habits in his own life. That’s what “rules for civility and decent behavior” are. Etiquette is a culturally-specific code of behavior for showing other people respect and charity.

In other words, the rules of etiquette tell us how to build virtuous habits.

Unfortunately, today Washington’s rules don’t provide a great framework. “Put not your meat to your mouth with your knife in your hand” is a good reminder to slow down during mealtimes, but it is no longer an important part of showing other people respect. The rules of etiquette have changed.

Virtues are universal, though each culture celebrates some virtues more than others. Etiquette, on the other hand, is particular to each society and varies even decade to decade.

George Washington’s list isn’t enough for the challenges of virtuous, twenty-first century living. So how do we build virtuous habits in this society, in this generation?


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Manners for the Modern Age

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In the United States, Emily Post has been the name in etiquette since she published Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home in 1922. For most of the last century, her manual has set the rules for behavior in polite company. By following the rules, you could both show respect and charity to those around you and build your own virtue as well.

Post’s Etiquette is in it’s eighteenth reprinting, subtitled Manners in the Modern Age. Manners today are “more situational, tailored to the particular circumstances and expectations of those around us.” For those of us practicing good manners because we want to be virtuous, fluid rules about how we behave can be a little problematic.

Just think back to the last time you were having a conversation when your cellphone rang. You want your actions to show charity and respect, but your desires don’t tell you how to act. Is it ruder to ignore the (potentially urgent) call or to ignore the person right in front of you? If you do choose to ignore the call, is it ruder to let it ring or to get it out of your purse to hang up. Without a clear standard, it’s hard to build good habits—instead of being virtuous by habit we have to make tedious moral choices hundreds of times each day.


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When the rules of etiquette collapse, we have to find our own solutions. Stay tuned next week for ideas about how to get started…


]]> http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/29/why-manners-everyday-politeness-is-one-of-the-best-gifts-of-all/feed/ 3 afsolove Allegory of Virtue by Simon Vouet http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/20/how-to-choose-the-right-charity/ http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/20/how-to-choose-the-right-charity/#comments Wed, 20 Mar 2013 18:38:01 +0000 afsolove http://experimentalwifery.com/?p=3873 ]]> Every year, Americans donate almost $350 billion to charities. But it is difficult to know where that money goes. Some charities are notorious for spending large percentages on donations on operating expenses. Some charities, no matter how well-meaning, simply don’t do much good. And, in the worst cases, some charities actually undermine the causes many of their donors mean to champion.

If we value giving to charity, how can we be sure our money is being well-spent on causes we support?


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1. What does the charity do?

Finding out what a charity does—or claims to do—is fairly simple. Any fundraiser should be able to tell you, or you can usually find the information on the charity’s website. Charity Navigator is another great resource with the mission statements for most charities clearly listed in one place.


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2. How does the charity accomplish its goals?

Sometimes a donor and a charity don’t see eye-to-eye on how a charity should accomplish its goals. For example, I’m happy to give money toward the March of Dimes, whose goal is “to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects and infant mortality.” I’m not sure I’m okay with their support of human embryonic stem cell research to meet their goals. On the other hand, some charitable organizations with religious roots spend money lobbying on social issues that don’t seem especially relevant to their stated goals.

It’s easy to see whether a charity’s vision matches your own, but it takes a little research to find out whether you want to financially support their means of achieving that vision.


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3. Where does the money go?

Some charities spend more money on overhead than others. (I once worked at a non-profit that spent an unseemly amount of money on Puerto Rican rum for fundraising events.) When you choose a charity, make sure your money is going where you think it is. Forbes.com has a list of America’s top charities for 2012 ranked by “charitable commitments”—the percentage of donations spent directly on furthering their charitable mission.


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4. How effective is the charity at achieving results?

Even for the people who work for them, it is almost impossible for most charities with broad goals to measure their success in objective terms. But that doesn’t mean you can’t look at what they hope to accomplish and whether or not they are doing it.

Any effective charitable organization should have concrete, measurable goals. Look on a charity’s website or talk to its fundraisers to learn how well the charity thinks it’s able to meets its own objectives. Use your own discretion about whether it is fairly assessing its own progress.


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My Favorite Charities

Over the past decade or so of giving my own money to charity, I’ve found a few favorite causes I champion.


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Catholic Relief Services
(92 cents of every dollar goes to serving those in need)

“Catholic Relief Services was founded in 1943 by the Catholic Bishops of the United States to serve World War II survivors in Europe. Since then, we have expanded in size to reach more than 100 million people in more than 100 countries on five continents. Our mission is to assist impoverished and disadvantaged people overseas, working in the spirit of Catholic Social Teaching to promote the sacredness of human life and the dignity of the human person. Although our mission is rooted in the Catholic faith, our operations serve people based solely on need, regardless of their race, religion or ethnicity. Within the United States, CRS engages Catholics to live their faith in solidarity with the poor and suffering of the world.”

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Goodwill Industries
(88 cents of every dollar goes to serving those in need)

“Goodwill works to enhance the dignity and quality of life of individuals and families by strengthening communities, eliminating barriers to opportunity, and helping people in need reach their full potential through learning and the power of work.”

I prefer to donate to Goodwill in kind, by donating items I no longer use, and by shopping at their stores. Retail store profits account for almost 70% of Goodwill’s annual budget.


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Kiva

“We are a non-profit organization with a mission to connect people through lending to alleviate poverty. Leveraging the internet and a worldwide network of microfinance institutions, Kiva lets individuals lend as little as $25 to help create opportunity around the world.”

I really like making micro-loans because I can spend the same money over and over again helping to make people’s lives a little better. If you’re interested in giving Kiva a try, e-mail me at experimentalwifery@gmail.com for a free $25 trial coupon code.


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My Community

There is no better way to insure accountability for your charities than to give nearby. When you invest in your own community, you are not only helping your neighbors, but also making your neighborhood a happier, healthier, and safer place to live. For example, I donate to our church’s food pantry, our local National Public Radio Station, and the Friends of our local library. I also make in-kind donations to the school where I work.


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What are your favorite charities? Let us know in the comments.

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]]> http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/20/how-to-choose-the-right-charity/feed/ 4 afsolove Charity, St. Stephan's Cathedral in the Background by August Heinrich Mansfeld http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/18/how-to-talk-to-a-loved-one-about-depression/ http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/18/how-to-talk-to-a-loved-one-about-depression/#comments Mon, 18 Mar 2013 17:36:17 +0000 afsolove http://experimentalwifery.com/?p=3852 ]]>

When someone we love is suffering, we want to help. But when he or she is suffering from a mental illness, that help can be hard to give.

Depression alters a person’s sense of reality and makes other people’s perceptions difficult to believe. When my husband asked me, “Are you really okay?” instead I heard, “You aren’t doing a very good job handling your new role as a mother.” When my mother-in-law said, “I’m happy to come and help,” I had no idea that she was really saying, “Please let me help—you need it!” My husband, mother-in-law, family, and friends all knew something was wrong with me, but I couldn’t understand their concerns.

I am not a doctor, psychologist, or professional of any kind, but I have been through the painful process of admitting that I have depression—and of needing help to recognize my disease. Based on my experiences, here are a few questions to ask yourself before having the painful conversation about depression with someone you care about.


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1. Is it really depression—or just a bad couple of weeks?

Depression doesn’t usually come on suddenly and with a clear explanation. (Although you should still reach out to your loved ones no matter why they are suffering!) Depression, even depression that begins with a job loss or grief, builds up over time and looks different than a bad mood or period of grief. Here are a few signs to look for:

• A loss of pleasure in things she ordinarily enjoys. She’s slowly stopped showing up for church or given up your monthly reading group.
• A lack of energy to do even simple tasks. Her neat house is a wreck and she’s called in sick more than usual.
• Extreme sadness. She seems stuck in grief she cannot escape, even after weeks or months. Or the smallest things leave her crying for hours.
• Difficulty concentrating. She can never find the word she’s looking for and she’s suddenly more absent-minded than she used to be.
• Difficulty making decisions. She shuts down when you ask her where she’d like to go for lunch. (Watch out for a “deer-in-the-head-lights” look instead of a “I-do-know-where-do-you-want-to-go”-type discussion. The former is a sign of depression. The later is annoying, but also normal.)
• Irritability. She snaps at you much more often than she used to. Or, as in my case, she becomes an increasingly aggressive driver.

If you think someone is going to hurt herself or someone else, get help right away—even if you aren’t sure she’s depressed.


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2. Can you talk to her with love?

Chances are, your concerns aren’t going to be well received. Your loved one may feel like you are accusing her of something or telling her that she’s failing to meet your expectations. Or she may feel guilty for alarming you, making her depression temporarily worse.

Bottom line—few depressed people are ready to hear that they’re depressed. That doesn’t mean they don’t need help, but that a friend who wants to help has to go in with the “right mindset”:

• She may reject what you have to say—and that’s okay.
• She may just need to talk—and you will listen.
• She may annoy you—and you can focus on her feelings instead of yours.
• She may feel attacked and say something cruel—and you can forgive her in advance.
• She may not understand what you’re saying—and you’re willing to repeat your explanation patiently.
• She may be embarrassed—and you’re able to use discretion about who else to talk to about her.
• She may feel overwhelmed—and you’re willing to support her until she’s found the professional help she needs. (You cannot treat her depression for her, so do make sure you don’t become her only support system.)

Having this “right mindset” is a lot to ask of anyone. If you aren’t up to the challenge, perhaps you can find someone else—another family member, partner, or friend—to talk with her instead. No one is perfect, but the more loving and forgiving the intervention is, the more likely a depressed person is to listen.


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3. How can you get her attention?

Although you should be as loving as possible, this isn’t the time for subtlety. Don’t beat around the bush to share her feelings—give her a reason to explain her behavior or to blame it on herself and she will take it. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

• “I care about you.” Remind her that she does matter to someone.
• “I’m worried about you.” Express concern, but choose your words carefully if you don’t want her to blame your feelings on herself.
• “Talk to me about it. I’d love to listen.” Listen without judging or giving advice. When she’s finished, you can always suggest, “This problem sounds really hard. Maybe you should talk to someone about it.”
• “I noticed that you were really upset after you bumped into someone yesterday. That isn’t like you.” Be sure to have specific concerns in mind to help her see that she has a problem.
• “When you’re ready to get help, I’m here for you.” You cannot make a depressed person own her illness, but you can be there to help when she does. If she is ready to get help, her doctor is a great place to start. You can also find psychiatrists and therapists at Psychology Today.
• “Let me bring over dinner tomorrow night.” Find something you can do to relieve her stress and give her the opportunity for some much needed rest. Sometimes a few days of pampering can pull a person back from the brink.

Here are a few lines to avoid when you’re expressing concern to a depressed person. I’ve heard all of them and, no matter how well intended, they never failed to make me feel guilty, ungrateful, and worthless.

• “You’re making me worried!”
• “I know how you feel.”
• “You’re strong. I know you can handle this.”
• “Don’t blame me. I’m just trying to help.”
• “Get over it!” or “Keep a stiff upper lip.”
• “Cheer up. You’ve got a great life!”
• “You just need to pray more.”
• “Take it easy.”

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4. Know your role and your limits.

Depressed people can unintentionally drain the emotional, spiritual, time, and monetary resources of their friends and family. It is important to set boundaries for yourself and stick to them. You best know what you have to give, but no layperson can treat a loved one’s depression on her own. Remember—it is not your responsibility to save your friend. You can help. You can love. But she is ultimately in charge of her own life.

(Read more about supporting a friend with depression…)


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I am not at all qualified as a psychiatrist or psychologist, but I do like to share my personal experiences with depression and what I learned from them. Do you have any advice borne from your own experience? Let us know in the comments.

You might also enjoy:

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]]> http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/18/how-to-talk-to-a-loved-one-about-depression/feed/ 0 afsolove Spiritual Assistance by H. Grobe http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/13/self-reflection-check-in-5-things-to-say-instead-of-im-sorry/ http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/13/self-reflection-check-in-5-things-to-say-instead-of-im-sorry/#comments Wed, 13 Mar 2013 18:13:04 +0000 afsolove http://experimentalwifery.com/?p=3829 ]]>
This post is a follow-up from our Month of Self-Reflection.

∴

I am a chronic apologizer.

Because I suffer from depression, I often apologize because I think I am genuinely at fault. I want to accept responsibility for all the bad things that happen.

But even I have to recognize that sometimes things aren’t my fault. And some things that are my fault just aren’t a big deal. Everyone makes little mistakes. Bad things just happen.

If I want to learn to respect other people and myself, I need alternatives to “I’m sorry.”


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Many languages give speakers a choice about “I’m sorry.” In Italian, for example, I say mi scusa (I’m sorry) when I am at fault and mi dispiace (it upsets me that or I regret that) when I’m not. English doesn’t. So what alternatives can we use instead?


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Alternatives to “I’m Sorry”

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When You Accidentally Bump into Someone

Try “Excuse me.”

“Excuse me” is the culturally acceptable way to acknowledge you have accidentally or intentionally done something a little bit impolite or thoughtless. The expression acknowledges your actions without making a big deal out of a simple mistake or small rudeness. It also works when you interrupt someone, leave a meal, take a phone call, or burp in public.


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When You Don’t Understand What Someone Has Said

Try “Pardon?” or “I beg your pardon?”

It isn’t your fault if you can’t understand another speaker, so there is no need to formally apologize. “Pardon?” is a quick way to let someone else know that they need to back up and slow down if they would like your attention.


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When Someone Gives You Constructive Criticism

Try “Thank you.”

If someone is generously sharing feedback with you, it probably isn’t because she wants you to feel bad—she isn’t looking for an apology. (As a teacher, I constantly remind my students that errors are nothing to be sorry for.) What if the criticism isn’t so constructive? Try “I’ll take that into consideration” or “I’ll think about that.”


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When You Have Done Something Wrong

Try “Please forgive me.”

Many of us use “I’m sorry” as a major formula. I say it, you forgive me, end of story. But when we’ve done something worth apologizing for, we can’t take someone else’s forgiveness for granted. “Please forgive me” is a request. It acknowledges that you aren’t the one in control and that she has the choice whether to forgive or not.


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When Something Bad Happens

Try “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry” is the best choice for we English speakers to express our sorrow for someone else’s loss or pain. In that context saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t imply that you’re at fault, only that we are acknowledging someone else’s suffering.


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It will probably be a long time before I learn not to say “I’m sorry” when I don’t mean it. But having more appropriate alternatives is definitely a step in the right direction.


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This post is a follow-up from our Month of Self-Reflection. You can get involved in our Twelve Months to a Better Woman project, too. Write a guest post. Send in a suggestion. Link up. Or join our community of more than 400 followers via e-mail, Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

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]]> http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/13/self-reflection-check-in-5-things-to-say-instead-of-im-sorry/feed/ 4 afsolove Mary Magdalen in Penitence by El Greco http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/11/the-5-gifts-he-actually-wants/ http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/11/the-5-gifts-he-actually-wants/#comments Mon, 11 Mar 2013 18:18:39 +0000 afsolove http://experimentalwifery.com/?p=3819 ]]> Self-sacrifice isn’t easy, especially because a giving attitude is only half the battle. It doesn’t matter how much we want to give if we can’t identify what to give and when to give it.

As part of my recovery from depression, Adam and I sat down and made of the sacrifices he would like me to make. (At my most depressed, I was making many unnecessary sacrifices for him because I thought my needs were unimportant.) We came up with a list of five real needs that I can meet by giving something up–whether it’s time, privacy, or control. That way a sacrifice is a selfless gesture oriented around his needs, instead of a self-centered gesture focused on my thoughts and feelings.

These aren’t presents treats to give my husband on special occasions. (We do have suggestions for that, too!) These are needs my husband–and many husbands–has that I can meet with a little thoughtfulness and a giving attitude.

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Gifts for Your Husband

• Time to decompress. For those of us who spend afternoons alone with the kids, 5:30 can be that magic time of night when relief arrives at last. But as eager as I am for help and company, by waiting for just ten minutes I give my husband a chance to transition from his role as a provider to his role as a husband and father. The extra ten minutes doesn’t make that much of a difference to me, but transition time can change his well-being an attitude for the rest of the evening.
• A regular night out.As much as spouses need special time together, they need time to be alone, recollect, and reflect, too–especially if they have children. When that “alone time” is regularly scheduled, he can look forward to it and plan to do things with friends. Perhaps your husband is an introvert or a home body like mine sometimes is–take the kids out for a “Mommy” date and let him have the house to himself.
• Freedom to do things his way. Chances are, your husband wants to help you with the house or with your children. But if you frequently tell him he is doing things incorrectly or go back and redo things after his is finished,  he’ll eventually stop trying. Accept his contributions with love and gratitude, only correcting when it’s absolutely necessary. (Be sure you accept his guidance with grace, too.) Letting him do things his way with the children is especially important and one of the most important things you can do to help your husband be a great dad.
• Respect for his emotions. Like many women, I’m in the habit of saying “Don’t be angry, but…” or asking “Would it make you upset if…?” These kinds of statements imply that I have control over my husband’s emotions or, worse, that I don’t think he has a right to feel negative emotions toward me every once and a while.
• Clear communication.If I’ve learned anything from months of treatment for depression, I’ve learned that suppressing my needs, feelings, and desires doesn’t make them go away. And hiding them from my husband isn’t a noble sacrifice. Being open and vulnerable takes a lot more courage and is a greater gift of self. In our marriage, clear communication means standing up for my own opinion until we compromise instead of backing down and asking him questions directly, instead of being passive aggressive. It’s hard, but Adam has said time and again how much easier and more loving our marriage has become as we’ve worked on communication together.

Over the past few months, I’ve realized that my attitude about giving has actually been corrosive in our marriage. For one, the things that are sacrifices for me aren’t necessarily sacrifices for him. For example, Adam thinks of washing dishes as the man’s job. I recently washed up from a dinner party, even though I hate dish washing. To me, the thirty minutes I spent washing were a big sacrifice. But he barely registered the gesture.

More importantly, Adam didn’t marry a slave or a robot. He doesn’t want a subjugated wife who never considers herself or her feelings worthwhile. A generous spirit may mean putting others’ needs before my own, but it doesn’t mean putting their desires before my needs.

By identifying what Adam’s needs and strongest desires are, I am able to be generous where it counts and sacrifice to give him what he needs the most.


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What gifts do you give your partner? What gifts would you like him to give you? Let us know in the comments.

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]]> http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/11/the-5-gifts-he-actually-wants/feed/ 1 afsolove A Favor by Edmund Leighton http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/06/25-gifts-that-dont-cost-a-dime/ http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/06/25-gifts-that-dont-cost-a-dime/#comments Wed, 06 Mar 2013 16:03:01 +0000 afsolove http://experimentalwifery.com/?p=3809 ]]> When I was at my most anxious, I drove like a mad woman, weaving back and forth to get to the front of the line of traffic. I rushed to the shortest line at the grocery store. And I made sure no one ever made it to a parking place before I did. After all, my time was valuable and my needs were important.


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As I’ve recovered, I’ve had a chance to revisit the bad habits I developed—habits of putting my own needs first without thinking about the needs of others. Rushing through life requires a kind of tunnel vision. When I constantly move from place to place and task to task, I don’t have the time or attention to see what’s going on around me.

But a spirit of giving requires attentiveness. It means slowing down so I can see others and notice what they need. Here are a few ways I can meet those needs, if I take the time to notice they are there.


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Every day…

• Greet someone with a friendly word.
• Wear a bright outfit and a smile.
• Put aside one urgent thing (like cleaning the toilet) in favor of something important (like spending a few minutes with a loved one).

When you’re out and about…

• Arrive five minutes early so no one has to wait.
• Let someone go ahead in line at the grocery store.
• Return someone else’s shopping cart.
• Hold the door.
• Say “thank you.”
• Give a compliment.

With your friends or family…

• Give your complete attention when someone else is talking.
• Listen—don’t advise—a friend in pain.
• Write an encouraging letter to a friend who could use the support.
• Make a phone call to an elderly relative or a friend in need.

At home…

• Take an extra portion from dinner to a sick friend.
• Serve someone else the best portion of meat or the biggest cookie without calling attention to it.
• Do someone else’s chores without being asked.

On the road…

• Wave at a driver who lets you over or yields to you, especially if she didn’t have to.
• Wait for another car to turn out in front of you before you turn right—if it’s safe to do so.
• Leave the parking spaces closest to the store for people who need them more than you do.
• Always clear the way for ambulances and fire trucks, even if it means missing a light.

For the less fortunate…

• Even if you choose not to give panhandlers money, treat them with friendliness and charity.
• Visit a nursing home or hospice care center.
• Donate buy-one-get-one toiletries to a women’s shelter.
• Donate blood.
• Take all the clothes you don’t use to Goodwill, especially clothes that are still in good repair.

How do you make a giving spirit a part of your life? Let us know in the comments.

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]]> http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/06/25-gifts-that-dont-cost-a-dime/feed/ 4 afsolove Christmas Morning by J. Clark http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/04/i-love-what-i-do-volunteer-emt/ http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/04/i-love-what-i-do-volunteer-emt/#comments Mon, 04 Mar 2013 18:19:48 +0000 afsolove http://experimentalwifery.com/?p=3773 ]]> “I Love What I Do!” We interview women who find creative work that makes them feel fulfilled without sacrificing their personal or family lives. They’ll share what their jobs are really like and how other women can find something they love to do.

Linda, a volunteer emergency medical technician, describes the excitement and drama dealing with medical emergencies. She shares with us what it is like to balance volunteering with her family life and why she spends her free time saving lives.


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Tell us a little bit about yourself. Where are you from? How did you end up where you live today? What has your career path looked like?

I hail from Plum Borough, PA, an exurb of Pittsburgh, but I tell people that I come from hell. Plum has a lot to recommend it: easy access to Pittsburgh and a massive regional park with picnic groves, playground equipment, ski slopes, ball fields and more space for hiking than anyone could possibly need.

Sadly, there was also a culture extremely hostile to a girl or young woman who didn’t go along with expectations which were that she could go to college to be a teacher or nurse or get married and start having babies. The expectations were enforced primarily with verbal abuse, but no-one shirked at physical measures when words failed.

At the first opportunity, I left and have not looked back.

My career path looks a bit like that of a pinball that has ricocheted off every bumper it encountered and is now resting in the hole labeled motherhood waiting for a spring to pop up and send it rolling off again. The details of my career path are that in my freshman year of college I was hired to write educational software. This was a very new field in the early 1980s; the way in was to learn the job on your own, demonstrate interest and ability, then watch for job announcements. From there, every move in my career came when one job ended or contract expired and I found another opportunity working with someone I had encountered in a prior position. In 1995, I took what was supposed to be a one year sabbatical but turned into a long term journey into motherhood at home, including six years of home schooling my daughter.

It was while home schooling my daughter that I met the woman who recruited me to the rescue squad. I was one of three home-schooling mothers volunteering at the squad.


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Why did you want to become a volunteer E.M.T.?

The short answer is that I really don’t know what I was thinking.

Before I was an E.M.T., I volunteered as an auxiliary member of the rescue squad. I was content to fill the duties of an auxiliary member, to wit, preparing dinner for the monthly meeting, occasionally preparing meals for other events, and participating in fundraising activities. These activities were organized by the woman who had been doing this for years, perhaps decades. She was happy to do it and I was happy to do whatever she asked. When her health began to fail, I fail, I had to decide whether I wanted to become a certified food handler and take responsibility for the meal planning and preparation.

I saw the situation as a choice between moving from auxiliary to operations or walking away. I never said to myself, “I want to be an E.M.T.,” it was a matter of realizing that I could either walk away from the squad or sign up for something that I was too old and out of shape to even consider. I leapt into the abyss expecting to crash but unwilling to leave the squad without at least trying. I would not say that I flew so much as grasped at every branch and rocky outcropping until I was ready to flutter a bit on my own.


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How could someone else get involved with a volunteer rescue squad? What kind of skills did you need to get started? What does it take to do a good job? Is there training involved?

It’s very easy to get involved with fire/rescue–at least in Maryland. Most volunteer fire/rescue departments have websites as does the Montgomery County Volunteer Fire Rescue Association. Any of those websites will have a button labeled either, “Volunteer” or “Volunteer Now”. Of course, the best place to start is at the Wheaton Volunteer Rescue Squad, because we are the best rescue station bar none.

Next, fill out an application, collect letters of reference, send them all in, then wait patiently. There is a lot of waiting in the process because all fire/rescue personnel undergo a background check at both the state and federal level. After the background check, candidates undergo a thorough physical complete with drug screening.

Once a candidate passes the physical, the process of becoming an E.M.T. can begin. At the station where I volunteer, the first step is called Level 1, where the candidate learns to handle equipment for moving patients, introduces him or herself to supervisory staff, learns to check an ambulance to ensure that it is fully stocked and ready for service, and learns to take orders from fellow crew members.

Finally, the candidate becomes a probationary member and can take E.M.T. training. In Maryland, this training is available through Maryland Institute for Emergency Medical Services Systems. There are many sources for this training, but people most typically take the classes offered through Montgomery County Fire and Rescue at the Public Safety Training Academy.

As for what it takes to do a good job, it requires a combination of compassion, a strong stomach, and the ability to make decisions about patient care and act on those decisions quickly. There is more to it, but that’s the foundation layer.


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What does a typical day look like for you? How does volunteering fit into your normal routine?

I imagine that a typical day for me involves fitting anything I need to do around taking my daughter to and from school and any other activities. I began volunteering when I was home-schooling my daughter and I chose my shift night based on the home-schooling schedule and on which crew officer had seemed most reasonable. My volunteer shift is on Wednesday night and every fourth weekend. I stayed with this crew and fit all new schedules around it because my crew is the most awesome rescue crew anywhere.


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What is the best part of being involved in a volunteer rescue squad?

There are two best parts of being involved in a volunteer rescue squad. The obvious best part is the good feeling that comes from walking in on someone’s worst day ever and, while we do not provide definitive care, we start the process and get the patient to the right place to get what he or she needs.

The other, somewhat surprising, best part of volunteering is the interactions with the other crew members. At the rescue squad, I have met some of the most intelligent, engaging people imaginable. There are, of course, many conversations revolving around what we do, calls we run, training, and other things related to our duty, but the other conversations make it worth the trouble to go in every week. Among my current crew members are a rocket scientist, a pre-med student who just got into medical school, an audio/video specialist who majored in theater, and a career E.M.T. who learns computer languages for fun. The late-night conversations range from politics to the finer points of Buddhist philosophy and cover almost everything in between. In any fire/rescue station, it is not at all unusual to see more experienced people mentoring newer folk in fire/rescue topics, but on my crew the mentoring extends to homework help ranging from calculus to literature and we often lean on each other for emotional support when our ‘normal’ lives are going poorly.

The worst?

There are not many bad things about being an E.M.T., but I believe there are several worth mentioning. Not all calls go well, some patients cannot be helped and that always leaves us feeling down. Intoxicated patients may be belligerent or even violent; I have been spit upon more than once and several patients have tried to punch me. In addition to helping people who are hurt, we also help people with highly contagious diseases and always need to be thinking of protecting ourselves and our families. On the road, drivers sometimes make our job difficult either by refusing to move out of the way or driving around a road block and right through the scene of a crash where we are trying to work. Another very unpleasant situation is a call that you know will require defend your actions to a duty officer or worse, in court, such as not performing CPR on a patient with a Do Not Resuscitate order whose family did not know about that order.

The things I mentioned do not happen very often, and when they do, we talk them over with our peers and work through the upset. The one thing that we can’t work through with peers is when our peers let us down. Again, this doesn’t happen often, but there is nothing worse in E.M.S. than the feeling of knowing that we can’t get an ambulance out to someone who needs help because someone failed to show up for duty. I would rather have a shift where every bad call imaginable happened than to be stuck at the station with an ambulance that can’t be staffed.


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What advice would you give to other women interested in following the same path you have?

To women who want to follow my life path, I say, “Get therapy. Seriously, you need help.”

Of course, if we’re just talking about the path to being an E.M.T., I recommend taking a hard look at their schedule thinking about how much time they have to give and why they think they want to do this. Then I recommend contacting several volunteer fire/rescue departments and requesting a ride-along on nights that would be convenient for volunteering. The ride-along experience gives a feeling for how busy that department is and what kind of people work at that department on that night. Finally, I recommend asking a lot of questions about the duty requirements and schedules and noting how well or poorly the members get along both with each other and with any career people in the station. Also note how the members interact with patients and talk about patients back at the station. All of these things change from station to station and night to night and they all can have a profound effect on the volunteer experience.

Has being a volunteer E.M.T. made you a better woman, wife, or mother? How?

It’s hard to say whether it makes me a better woman; I imagine I would need guidelines for what makes a good woman that explain how that would be different from being a good person. Using many societal expectations as a measure, I have never been very good at being a woman beyond having female form and being attracted to men. I can do things that are considered womanly, such as wearing dresses and makeup, but I do so with little enthusiasm or skill. One could argue that being a volunteer E.M.T. makes me a worse woman because I have very little incentive to behave in a manner that society defines as womanly. If a man is carrying bags for me or holding a door open, it is either because I have my hands full with patient care or because he is my trainee and must do as I tell him. (Bwa ha ha!)

As for being a good wife, again, I have to wonder what it means to be a good wife. I know that I have much less patience when my husband either can’t figure out some minor household task or when he eats out rather than cooking, thus putting him out of compliance with his prescribed diet. By the standards of my upbringing, patience with one’s husband and pleasing one’s husband are hallmarks of a good wife, so by that standard, I am a much worse wife.

I consulted my daughter on the topic of whether my volunteer work has made me a better mother; she says that it has not changed anything. I would say that my work has made me absent from my role as mother at least once a week, which could argue for the status of worse mother. On the other hand, my absence has forced her to be more independent and take more responsibility for things like getting homework done without nagging, so perhaps I needed a little absence to do the part of child-rearing where the child learns self-reliance.

But whether or not it has made me a better woman or wife, I believe that being a volunteer E.M.T. has made me a better person. Or it may be that the experience made me better able to be the person I already was.


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Have you found a happy medium between satisfying, creative work and your family commitments? Share your story with us at experimentalwifery@gmail.com

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]]> http://experimentalwifery.com/2013/03/04/i-love-what-i-do-volunteer-emt/feed/ 0 afsolove What Are YOU Doing to Help via Wikimedia